Post by dayday on Sept 3, 2006 20:33:41 GMT -5
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it"
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again.. ....yes....no....yes....no....yes....no....yes....."
--------------------------------------------------------------
The Blonde's Year In Review
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years".
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - *removed*
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their
locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."
October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Seven Degrees of Blonde
FIRST DEGREE
*removed*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first."
------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which, that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag, cut a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
--------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps some things hot and some things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
"What's that," he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two popsicles, and some coffee".
------------------------------------------------------------
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament. The brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is partying having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to get up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
EDITED BY JOEL: Some innapropiate for mixed company...
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it"
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again.. ....yes....no....yes....no....yes....no....yes....."
--------------------------------------------------------------
The Blonde's Year In Review
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years".
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - *removed*
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their
locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."
October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Seven Degrees of Blonde
FIRST DEGREE
*removed*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first."
------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which, that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag, cut a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
--------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps some things hot and some things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
"What's that," he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two popsicles, and some coffee".
------------------------------------------------------------
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament. The brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is partying having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to get up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
EDITED BY JOEL: Some innapropiate for mixed company...
